Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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