haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
