last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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