Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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