cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
