We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
