How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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