My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
