it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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