I smell stomach acid.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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