dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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