I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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