I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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