I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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