I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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