Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
