A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
