dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
