Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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