I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
