my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
