my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
