Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
