do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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