My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
