eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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