i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
