I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
