I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
