I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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