Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
