my phone needs a breathalizer
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
don't judge my taste in strippers
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
