3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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