Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Randomize
