When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
