i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
