Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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