Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
