my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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