could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
