I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
