when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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