my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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