I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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