i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
