im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
