why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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