We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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