If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
