It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
