I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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