I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
