Will you blow on my dice?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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