Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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