Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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